The Anchor
by Ryker Strom
Summary: The void and the darkness are always there. Trigger warning: thoughts of suicide, mention of previous suicide attempt


_**A/N:** All right, this is the fic that I've been re-writing. This talks about Sebastian being vulnerable and it's a bit different from how I normally write. If you can relate to this, my sincerest's apologies because what's written in here is not a good place to be. This fic falls into the realism category, that's for sure. **To my dear readers, if you like this, please review and rec it**! I hope this isn't too traumatizing. I have a Tumblr where I post SeBlaine drabbles and art that aren't on this site, I'd be honored if you can follow me there at "**rykerstrom . tumblr . com**". Lastly, a special thank you to Stacy for the first round of beta._

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THE ANCHOR

The void and the darkness were always there.

They came and went at the most unexpected time, but there was never any way to get rid of them completely. Sometimes they were palpable, crackling on his skin, and sometimes they laid deep and buried, throbbing from within. It was lonely at the top, they said. It was entire untrue.

One could be lonely at any given place or time, sometimes in the midst of the hubbub of everyday life, one just forgot about it. Although in this case, it was never about loneliness. It was about the abandonment, the misunderstanding, the unfairness of everything in spite of the best intention. It was the culmination of all these years of observation and experience, where Sebastian had encountered in the first hand how it felt to be the one who was disappointed and betrayed, after he had reached out and did things in the best of intentions.

Of course, putting his neck on the line was something that Sebastian used to do when he was much younger, back when he was still a naïve child. After realizing that being nice only meant he would be hurt and disappointed, Sebastian learned. And over the years, what he had encountered had only served to reinforce his beliefs.

Sebastian had a hatred for this thing called "life" that people always praised and eulogized. Life was the greatest lie of all. Life wasn't great. Life took many forms and many names, but at its core were forces greater than life itself. Some called the forces karma, while others called it nature; none of it mattered. Because for Sebastian, what mattered was the cards that life dealt him, the things that were pre-ordained and that he had no control over, the void and the darkness that seemed to follow him everywhere and strike when he least expected them.

There were different kinds of people in this world. Some were destined to be well-liked and live long and happy lives; others were destined to live a modest life surrounded by people who cared; and then there were those who could live comfortably, but never had anyone whom they could call their own.

Some people could wind up with everything they wanted: success, riches, love, happiness, and friends; there were others who wound up with nothing; but then there were those whom for whatever reasons, never had much option to choose what kind of person they wanted to be, simply because the strange permutation given out by life hadn't allowed them such luxury.

Sebastian Smythe was one of those people. He was sure about it.

No one came into this world with the intent to hate or be malicious. An individual was always limited by one's personality and by one's experiences in one's choices – not everyone has the capacity to forgive and forget, certainly not Sebastian Smythe. He had tried to be nice, but people only betrayed him and abandoned him; so he was compelled to be cruel. It might not make him well-liked, but at least he lowered the frequency of hurt and disappointment. Deep down, he envied those who had it easy. For Sebastian Smythe, karma was a lie; because if its essence was about fairness and the dismissal of injustice in the present and the ultimate retribution at the end, then it was simply a waiting game.

Well, Sebastian wasn't one of those suckers. He wasn't about to wait around and hope that justice be served. Because if karma existed, then there would be no hurt in this world, everyone would be happy, and everything would somehow miraculously work out.

As much as he wished that good deeds brought good fortune, Sebastian found that this rule never applied to him. People never understood or appreciated Sebastian Smythe. Even at an early age, success had come at a price for him. While others made friends and become well-liked by being kind, for Sebastian to be kind meant he would get hurt. He didn't understand why his kindness was punishable, why it always resulted in abuse and disappointment.

Probably, karma didn't exist, because if it did, he would be a kind person who was always doing good deeds for others; rather than a cynical, miserable shell of a person who result to being opportunistic just so that he could receive the barest minimum that he had worked hard for without getting hurt and disappointed.

It was either that, or karma – life in this case – was being selective and playing favorites. Sebastian Smythe obviously did not win that lottery.

A genuine and true Sebastian would never gain the supporters and followers he wanted, just as he would never be able to achieve anything by being nice.

So he adapted, and dealt with life that way. He did whatever he could, to not get hurt and to succeed.

It was ironic that someone like him, who was constantly surrounded by admirers, could feel so empty and alone. But then again, these were the very same admirers who were just waiting for a chance to tear him down, to watch him fall.

Cruelty came as a cost. While it could protect Sebastian from hurt, he more than paid for it with genuine love when he alienated all those around him. Even his family had become estranged from him over the years. His parents said that they didn't recognize him anymore.

Well, then. That was too bad. It wasn't as if he needed anyone anyway. He had been just fine on his own. He had managed to cope and fight his demons all these years, why should that change?

Everyone left him at the end. No one ever cared enough, not even when Sebastian invested all of himself into any kind of social relations or friendships. Like the time when he stood up for someone during elementary school but ended up with a black eye and becoming an outcast; or the first time he fell in love with someone only to find out afterwards that the so-called man of his dreams was a married man with a family; or other occasions in the past when he had gone out of his way with the intent to genuinely help but only to have it thrown back in his face. As disappointed as all of these seemed, Sebastian reasoned that perhaps it was better that he learned of these facts of life sooner rather than later. He knew he couldn't count on anyone, and that being alone was the natural state to be.

After all, people came into this world alone, they would also leave alone.

Sebastian was certain that to some degree, life was pre-ordained; and sometimes he couldn't help but wondered what was the point of fighting the current. Perhaps it was better that he just let things sweep him under and be done with it.

Dying was the easy part, living took courage. Perhaps it was his stubbornness and his determination to win that pushed Sebastian to persist and fight every obstacle and disappointment that had been thrown his way.

_Yeah, that's it. Well fuck you, life. Fuck you._ Sebastian would find himself thinking from time to time.

He had tried to escape it all before, once, when he was twelve when the darkness and void threatened to consume him. But apparently he should've done more research, because swallowing a bottle of Tylenol painkiller wasn't really effective. Sebastian ended up having upset stomach for the rest of the day and felt weak.

No one ever found out about his attempt, not even his family.

What didn't kill him make him stronger, right? But what was the point of becoming stronger if it meant he had to take on even worse challenges? To say that becoming stronger enabled one to be prepared for the worse challenges to come was to imply that things would only continue to get worse. Sebastian didn't need things to get worse. He was no masochist.

Life was great, people said. The concept was the biggest bullshit to ever walk the earth.

The darkness and void left Sebastian alone for a couple of years, but it always came back and Sebastian would find himself drowning in bouts of depression and hopelessness. There were times that he would find himself thinking of how easy it would be to just end it all and leave everyone behind. Anything at home could be used as a tool. Sebastian sometimes would find himself contemplating the possibilities as he went around doing mundane things like brushing his teeth, or shaving. The mirror in the bathroom would make good glass shards for cutting through the flesh, or the razor blade could also do just the trick. Even the staircase in his apartment could be a useful tool. All it would take was for him to climb over and let go and it would all be over.

Sebastian never did actually follow through with it though. It wasn't about those whom he left behind, since people would always move on; it was about the idea that ending it would mean admitting defeat. If life was going to make everything a living Hell for Sebastian, then Sebastian would push back whenever he could.

So it continued for a few more years, but it had been getting really tiresome lately. After all, what was the point of being unhappy all the time? Sebastian could sense it – the void and darkness were approaching again. He dreaded it. Would this time be the one time that he gives up?

"Sebastian? You still up there?" A familiar voice called out down the hall, pulling Sebastian away from his reverie.

"I'm right here. The office."

"Oh good!" Blaine had an apron on. It was then that Sebastian noticed the sweet smell of baked goods that was in the air. "I made soufflé."

"Soufflé?" That was one of Sebastian's favorite desserts.

"Took me couple of tries, but this one's perfect." Blaine pulled Sebastian to his feet. "Come on! I can't wait for you to try them."

"You did this, for me?" Sebastian couldn't quite believe it. Soufflés were difficult to make, and with Blaine's busy work schedule, it was a wonder that he had time to learn.

"Of course, I know how much you crave the ones from Paris. And you did make me my favorite baked tilapia the other night." Blaine smiled so beatifically that Sebastian had a sudden urge to kiss the life out of him. "Try it before it deflates."

Sebastian pushed the spoon gently into the soufflé and took a bite. It was an explosion of flavor and spice. He could taste the slight bitterness of the dark chocolate, balanced perfectly with the egg white and the sugar. The soufflé was moist but not too moist, and the texture and consistency were perfect.

This was something that would've taken over dozens of tries to master.

"Well?" Blaine looked a little nervous.

"Perfection." Sebastian felt a smile spread across his face as Blaine threw his arms around him.

"Yes!" Blaine stepped back and took a bite of the soufflé himself. "Oh wow, this _is_ good!"

"As I said, perfection. Just like you." It sounded like a bad pickup line, but Sebastian meant every word.

"You're such a flatterer!" There was a slight blush staining Blaine's cheeks. "So, what were you thinking about earlier?"

"What do you mean?"

"I walked by your office earlier and you were lost in thoughts." There was still a smile on Blaine's face, but Sebastian could see the underlying worry in those eyes. Blaine Anderson was great at many things, which included an uncanny ability to tell when something was bothering Sebastian. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine now." Sebastian leaned in and placed a light kiss on his boyfriend's cheek. "All thanks to you."

Blaine was his anchor, the flame that burnt the brightest even in the darkest hours, the guiding light that would lead him home. Sebastian knew that for as long as Blaine was with him, he would be fine. While it was true that everyone always left in the end, and Sebastian was certain that Blaine would be no exceptions; Sebastian decided that for the time being, Blaine would help keep his void and darkness at bay.

That was good enough, for now.

(END)


End file.
